Future II

This got me thinking the entire day (I literally spend my day at work pondering about my future. Again) 

I would never stop thinking. Thinking about where I should go after I graduate, where will I be in 5, 10, 15 years' time, what I want to become. This issue got really into me nowadays because I'm graduating, getting my diploma in a few months  time. But the question is, what is it in for me after this? 

I have enough of sadness. Worrying about not being able to get a place in local university. I gave up. I looked for courses in private universities (I ended up looking at business again because it's the safest route to take) it cost about $26k to get into one and is it really worth it? Is it really worth it to study something I'm unsure if I want for myself? 

As HR Officer for internship made me question myself if this is what I really want. I find no job motivation, no job satisfaction and I can't identify a goal for myself in HR field. I doubt myself. I doubt if I really want to be working in HR industry. Most importantly, I find no passion working in an enclosed office from 9 to 6. I felt restricted. 

Then, I often find myself browsing through the NTU-NIE website. Teacher. It's what I initially wanted to try. I back off, because it's not easy. 

I remembered that I once said that I would never want to be a teacher. I won't be able to teach well, in fact that I think I'm stupid and I don't want to harm students with whatever incorrect information I have. If I want to be, I want to be a good one. Not just teach well academically, but also to help them in character building. 

I always fall in the top ten of the class (from the back) in primary school. At that point of time, I didn't bothered to study. Teachers asked me what I don't know, but I myself don't even know what I don't know. I am a natural introvert which made me asked 0 questions in class (maybe because I didn't know what to ask too) 

I vividly remembered that I felt hopeless but it didn't really bothered me. Probably because that I'm too young. I just blindly find my way through to pass PSLE. There isn't the word 'study' in my dictionary, because I don't know how. My parents never bothered about my studies, they don't know how to either. 

It just felt like there is no teachers that go the extra mile for me. I felt like I'm the 'forgotten' student always. Once I moved on, I don't think I leave any impression for my teachers. I am a student under financial assistance but I doubt any teachers actually cared and know that I'm one. 

I want and hope to be someone better (you know Maslow Hierarchy - self actialization? HAHA) and I often think that what if I could help students like me. I mean I want a job that give me sense of satisfaction, and that sense of satisfaction will push me harder to motivate myself to do better. Be it in career prospect or personally. 

Still, am I really fit to be one? Is it really something for me? It got me thinking again. . . .